Speaking of procrastinating, this morning, Johnny Galecki (now of The Big Bang Theory) was on Sesame Street, and I was reminded that in 1992 or so, I wrote him a fan poem that I posted via my AOL account. And because I am a digital pack-rat, I still have a copy of it. So. If you love The Big Bang Theory, Roseanne, or The Opposite of Sex, enjoy.
Oh my god. It's creepier than I remembered. And it's long. Longer than I remembered.
Darlene! My God! What's wrong with you? You moron, are you blind?
A better man than David you could never hope to find!
This Jimmy guy is loser-lame. He'll lead you down the path
Of cigarettes and and Nietsche, and then you'll face Roseanne's wrath.
Johnny Galecki, Johnny Galecki, won't you be my man?
I'll be your Darlene if you'll be my David from Roseanne.
I've watched him from afar, grainy and small on my TV
He is my TV boyfriend, even though I am thir-tee.
I don't know why he charms me so, I just know he's the one
Who makes my heart go pitter-pat when across the screen he runs.
He's way smarter than Mark, and he's skinnier than Dan,
he's older than that DJ, he's my David from Roseanne
I remember his first TV movie, starring ol' Roseanne,
about a football team for women (not a single man!)
Johnny was Roseanne's son, and he was droopy and so sad.
My heart just broke for Johnny; he was missing his dead dad!
He didn't sing on Rosie O'Donnell, though I'm sure that he can:
He's multitalented, cuz he's my David from Roseanne!
Another time, he was a guy whose heart was truly good,
Though he was troubled, had bad hair, and seemed to be a hood.
His bro (Neil Patrick Harris, who's of Doogie Howser fame),
Did awful stuff, and tried to make poor Johnny take the blame.
I'd tie him up and hobble him, cuz I'm his number-one fan;
JUST KIDDING! I'm no stalker -- I just love David from Roseanne.
Another week, with Jennie Garth of 90210,
He was in a hospital, cuz he'd gone plumb loco.
They plotted their escape; alas! he didn't make it out.
But Oh! if I had been his nurse, he'd have no need to pout!
Oh! The things I'd do to him, in the back of my Chevy Van:
I'd (censored censored censored stuff) with David from Roseanne.
In one movie, with Judith Light, he had a reputation:
He played a charming murderer who died in conflagration.
Judith's screaming histrionics hit the nail right on the head.
I would shriek and holler too, if I thought Johnny G were dead!
In high school, my best friend was this girl down the street named Fran.
I only mention this to rhyme with David from Roseanne.
Now his star is rising; to the movies I must go.
His career is on the big screen now, not on a weekly show.
I'm glad for him, but sad for me: no TV boyfriend now,
unless another show comes on that features Brian Krakow...
Johnny Galecki, Johnny Galecki, won't you be my man?
I'll be your Darlene if you'll be my David from Roseanne!
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